God wants me to focus on him and to stop trying so hard to meet boys, like boys, and make boys mine.
No one will ever be “mine”
They are their own person, running furiously alongside me in this race, and if they have to push me down to get ahead, they will.
No one will ever love me like you love me, God.
You are aware at how much I am craving something real, and you have told me time and time again that as long as I fix my eyes on YOU, things will work out. As long as I trust YOU, I won’t have to worry.
But I have drifted from you due to my inability to grasp just how important this dedication is. I am loose with my guy contacts. I am giving away too many freebies, too many concessions, and then I sit there and wonder when I will find love. The answer has always been the same: love will find you.
It’s the greatest lesson I will ever have to learn:
putting in the no-nonsense effort to get what I want works in the professional world, but it does not work in love.
Love is delicate, and untouchable thing. Something that follows you as the wind. Something that holds you up, when you least expect it. It is unpredictable, it is something that only God can give.
At least, this is what I imagine it will be like.
So why, have I been aching so badly, desperately trying to “just have a few men there, waiting for me, with the hope that they will respect me all the while knowing deep down that there is no way that by giving them what they want, that they will?”
I have come too far in this life, having to pick myself up off the ground and having God reach down for my hand far too many times, to throw all of it away on the self deprecating action of meeting boys online.
There is a short gratification that comes with matching with someone cute. But the more I do this, the more shallow I become. The less I see people. The more I walk around this earth, looking at men as if they were just there to serve me.
This is not in any way what God intended for us. He wanted harmony between male and female: he wanted everyone to be on the same team, instead of this constant battle and game that requires you to be heartless or else, well, you can sink or swim.
If I’m not mistaken, I think God wanted us to have community with males, as they are, looks aside. He wanted us to have community, to find people whom our souls might connect with on a level that only he can orchestrate. This online dating phenomenon is unnatural, and the more dates I go on and the more boys I kiss without love backed up behind it, the less I understand God’s plan for my life. It is not what is convenient, but it is what is true.