autumn

I didn’t realize that my soul needed this

until I closed my eyes

and drifted away to that Aunt Martha song I’ve been playing for 2 years now

Where have you been for the past five years?
The last I heard is you took some time
You drove straight down the 405
And we both know why you left me here
But oh, how things have changed
Now I act my age
And you are older, too
So why not see this through?

I drifted

then opened my eyes eyes again, looking around me

tonight I was sleeping in an abandoned bus fit for a lost traveler

cows and goats were nearby, and the mountainside was covered with the daybreak’s golden light

I walked outside and smelled a sweet musk brought from the wind’s heavy breeze

It was fall now

summer had vanished into the dizzying daydreams I left behind

It was time to say hello to new thoughts

new expectations of who to be

new leaves, growing where the old ones have fallen off onto the ground beside my feet

lost in conversation, with him

when I’m lost in conversation with you

it is like turning off the highway of small talk

onto the byway of popular controversial topics

then, onto the back road of what we each really think about all that nonsense

and finally, we turn into the unpaved grass, and say the words we’ve been scared to say to anyone else. It’s almost like, when I’m speaking to you like this, my soul let’s out a deep breath and whispers, “Ah, there you are.”

is that you on that plane?

her: 8/14/2019

I am a blip in the sky

flying over every ceremony of good and bad

oblivious to the fact that the world everywhere can see my light

I sit quietly in the dim light over my jumpseat, paging through a novel

someone rings their call light

they want coffee

I maneuver slowly to the back galley to pour them a cup

most passengers are asleep, and we still have an hour to go upon arrival

among me are hundreds of strangers

sleeping in the dark

but i feel very alone

even though I am looked at like I am someone who goes home to a big family and dances with them in the kitchen light

anyone who looked into my eyes a second further would know better than this

they would see that I am a woman who just might call home a dark basement,

and with her little free time, sits in the quiet light listening to novo amour

I am a woman who gives the illusion of sunshine with her bright smile

but is cold and in so much pain

I have gone through deep heartbreak

and I have lost so many friends

but I know I have grown

and there is no going back from that

I wish I knew how to start over with abandon

to go out in the town and meet new people even if it meant getting shattered all over again

to believe that my life truly has “just begun”

and to reach greater heights than what I’ve already laid out for myself

I feel I have become complacent

settling for a dull life, when I know in my heart I am meant for so much more…

suddenly I am taken aback by pockets of turbulence

we are going through a dark cloud

him: narrated by her 8/14/2019

you are stargazing on a mountain one dark summer night

and see me overhead in that plane

of course, you don’t know it’s “me” but, objectively speaking, you see me

your mind starts to wonder

the shape of my head

the color of my eyes

and the way my soul would make yours feel

you can almost picture it..

your friends are all around you but you can’t hear a thing

your eyes are fixed on the plane above, and your heart signals to you something faint

something a thousand miles away

something that you can’t quite unravel into a thought

but you focus on my plane

and you smile

poetry seeping through your lips quietly

is that you on that plane, my dear?

watch me as i shed a tear

you’re a thousand miles away, up there

but can you hear?

i am speaking to you, lovely

i am dying to meet you…

i will kiss away your sadness and bring you the morning sun

using the strength of my arms,

and the diligent love my soul yearns to give yours

so when?

when will it be that i can talk to you?

i guess fate will create the perfect instance

my imagination will not even be able to create our story

but i see you, and i just wanted you to know that

in the darkness of tonight

in the dimness of your light

i see you,

and i love you

as you finish the last of your speech, my plane vanishes behind a cloud

you know without a doubt it was me

and you can’t believe that you know, but you do

always for a reason

when will you see

that, all that time,

it was you inspiring me

teaching me

leading me to me

when will you see

it was all of your melodies

along with your rawness

your truth

that I was craving

for myself

I not only admired you;

I needed to embody all of what you were

so that I could become the same

that is how much you moved me

I wanted to be as true as you

to be a legend, like you

and for you?

maybe it was a physical game, my worst fear

or maybe you, too, saw the universe pointing at us both

telling us to come with Her

maybe she wanted us to examine each others’ souls for a reason

that reason being:

for you to give me strength to live

and me, to open up your mind a little more….

but I’ll speak for myself and say:

there is no simple word to depict the effect you’ve had in my life

I will never know if you felt it;

that notion

that maybe

just maybe

it was a divine meeting

instead of just a heartbreak

Spotify Premium junky

for those of you looking for new music: I have good news!

thanks to being a reserve flight attendant and having too much time on my hands, I’ve created a few playlists for myself. I call them “everything” playlists. They’re for driving, working out, drinking beer on the porch, and everything in between. I don’t like to tell myself I have a specific taste in music, but generally I tend to love folky alternative beats.

I will post the link to my playlists below, but to list a few noteworthy jams I’ve been loving:

Park Bench by Valley
My Love by Until the Ribbon Breaks
So Far So Fast by The National
Closer by MADE IN LA
Blood Red Sentimental Blues by Cotton Jones

really hope you find some you like in there 🙂

escape

my happy place

the deep, dark, forest

melancholy rain falling

on the troughs of your trust

the sky can’t fake it’s smile

it just pours

and rawrs

authenticity

the breaths you take slowly

as the sky crackles and screams;

expressing the cries you can’t make out on your own

there’s a soft melody playing on the radio

as you drift away slowly

from the reality you’ve tried to fit into for so long

you changed too much

turned into a made up version of yourself

the little girl inside of you was done pretending

so she pulled out her sleek ponytail,

and escaped

running

as fast as she could

toward freedom

a runaway; you.

you’ve never been able to sit still

nothing and nobody will every understand the uncharted corners of your soul

and how you’ve accepted

that you’re no-one special

just, different

tragically, undeniably, different

so different, in fact,

that the only time you truly feel understood

is when you are driving like this: alone, in the rain, escaping the life you’ve pretended to live

and when you get there

that is, to wherever you run out of gas

you’ll smile in the bittersweet taste of being alone

jump in the cold creek

washing away all of your impurities,

starting all over again

in the mountains

creating a simple life

one that does not require any escaping

once and for all

the love we give

You will feel things you’ve never felt before for people who don’t feel the same way, and it will break your heart. But life has a way of revealing to you with time the greatest plot twist of them all: one day you’ll come to realize that this explosive love you have to give everyone else is equally as validated to give to yourself. It will set you free from the chains of acceptance, and, in its own way, be enough.