“well
when I am alone in a cafe
and I start to hear the sky rip into two
and rain pour furiously, throwing itself into the earth with abandon
I’m comforted by the security of nature’s intense cry
it’s need to release and let go
saddened by it’s longing to be of this world
richened by it’s strength
and touched by it’s directness.”
“oh, I didn’t mean rainstorms, I mean why do you like ranch so much?”
*walks outside into rainstorm to avoid further confrontation*
I didn’t realize that my soul needed this
until I closed my eyes
and drifted away to that Aunt Martha song I’ve been playing for 2 years now
Where have you been for the past five years?
The last I heard is you took some time
You drove straight down the 405
And we both know why you left me here
But oh, how things have changed
Now I act my age
And you are older, too
So why not see this through?
I drifted
then opened my eyes eyes again, looking around me
tonight I was sleeping in an abandoned bus fit for a lost traveler
cows and goats were nearby, and the mountainside was covered with the daybreak’s golden light
I walked outside and smelled a sweet musk brought from the wind’s heavy breeze
It was fall now
summer had vanished into the dizzying daydreams I left behind
It was time to say hello to new thoughts
new expectations of who to be
new leaves, growing where the old ones have fallen off onto the ground beside my feet
when I’m lost in conversation with you
it is like turning off the highway of small talk
onto the byway of popular controversial topics
then, onto the back road of what we each really think about all that nonsense
and finally, we turn into the unpaved grass, and say the words we’ve been scared to say to anyone else. It’s almost like, when I’m speaking to you like this, my soul let’s out a deep breath and whispers, “Ah, there you are.”
her: 8/14/2019
I am a blip in the sky
flying over every ceremony of good and bad
oblivious to the fact that the world everywhere can see my light
I sit quietly in the dim light over my jumpseat, paging through a novel
someone rings their call light
they want coffee
I maneuver slowly to the back galley to pour them a cup
most passengers are asleep, and we still have an hour to go upon arrival
among me are hundreds of strangers
sleeping in the dark
but i feel very alone
even though I am looked at like I am someone who goes home to a big family and dances with them in the kitchen light
anyone who looked into my eyes a second further would know better than this
they would see that I am a woman who just might call home a dark basement,
and with her little free time, sits in the quiet light listening to novo amour
I am a woman who gives the illusion of sunshine with her bright smile
but is cold and in so much pain
I have gone through deep heartbreak
and I have lost so many friends
but I know I have grown
and there is no going back from that
I wish I knew how to start over with abandon
to go out in the town and meet new people even if it meant getting shattered all over again
to believe that my life truly has “just begun”
and to reach greater heights than what I’ve already laid out for myself
I feel I have become complacent
settling for a dull life, when I know in my heart I am meant for so much more…
suddenly I am taken aback by pockets of turbulence
we are going through a dark cloud
him: narrated by her 8/14/2019
you are stargazing on a mountain one dark summer night
and see me overhead in that plane
of course, you don’t know it’s “me” but, objectively speaking, you see me
your mind starts to wonder
the shape of my head
the color of my eyes
and the way my soul would make yours feel
you can almost picture it..
your friends are all around you but you can’t hear a thing
your eyes are fixed on the plane above, and your heart signals to you something faint
something a thousand miles away
something that you can’t quite unravel into a thought
but you focus on my plane
and you smile
poetry seeping through your lips quietly
is that you on that plane, my dear?
watch me as i shed a tear
you’re a thousand miles away, up there
but can you hear?
i am speaking to you, lovely
i am dying to meet you…
i will kiss away your sadness and bring you the morning sun
using the strength of my arms,
and the diligent love my soul yearns to give yours
so when?
when will it be that i can talk to you?
i guess fate will create the perfect instance
my imagination will not even be able to create our story
but i see you, and i just wanted you to know that
in the darkness of tonight
in the dimness of your light
i see you,
and i love you
as you finish the last of your speech, my plane vanishes behind a cloud
you know without a doubt it was me
and you can’t believe that you know, but you do
when will you see
that, all that time,
it was you inspiring me
teaching me
leading me to me
when will you see
it was all of your melodies
along with your rawness
your truth
that I was craving
for myself
I not only admired you;
I needed to embody all of what you were
so that I could become the same
that is how much you moved me
I wanted to be as true as you
to be a legend, like you
and for you?
maybe it was a physical game, my worst fear
or maybe you, too, saw the universe pointing at us both
telling us to come with Her
maybe she wanted us to examine each others’ souls for a reason
that reason being:
for you to give me strength to live
and me, to open up your mind a little more….
but I’ll speak for myself and say:
there is no simple word to depict the effect you’ve had in my life
I will never know if you felt it;
that notion
that maybe
just maybe
it was a divine meeting
instead of just a heartbreak
for those of you looking for new music: I have good news!
thanks to being a reserve flight attendant and having too much time on my hands, I’ve created a few playlists for myself. I call them “everything” playlists. They’re for driving, working out, drinking beer on the porch, and everything in between. I don’t like to tell myself I have a specific taste in music, but generally I tend to love folky alternative beats.
I will post the link to my playlists below, but to list a few noteworthy jams I’ve been loving:
really hope you find some you like in there 🙂
my happy place
the deep, dark, forest
melancholy rain falling
on the troughs of your trust
the sky can’t fake it’s smile
it just pours
and rawrs
authenticity
the breaths you take slowly
as the sky crackles and screams;
expressing the cries you can’t make out on your own
there’s a soft melody playing on the radio
as you drift away slowly
from the reality you’ve tried to fit into for so long
you changed too much
turned into a made up version of yourself
the little girl inside of you was done pretending
so she pulled out her sleek ponytail,
and escaped
running
as fast as she could
toward freedom
a runaway; you.
you’ve never been able to sit still
nothing and nobody will every understand the uncharted corners of your soul
and how you’ve accepted
that you’re no-one special
just, different
tragically, undeniably, different
so different, in fact,
that the only time you truly feel understood
is when you are driving like this: alone, in the rain, escaping the life you’ve pretended to live
and when you get there
that is, to wherever you run out of gas
you’ll smile in the bittersweet taste of being alone
jump in the cold creek
washing away all of your impurities,
starting all over again
in the mountains
creating a simple life
one that does not require any escaping
once and for all
You will feel things you’ve never felt before for people who don’t feel the same way, and it will break your heart. But life has a way of revealing to you with time the greatest plot twist of them all: one day you’ll come to realize that this explosive love you have to give everyone else is equally as validated to give to yourself. It will set you free from the chains of acceptance, and, in its own way, be enough.
“I miss the way you made me feel so safe, and how your light blue eyes would light up your whole face.”
“You don’t recognize me, do you now. My face has changed, pain can really can a spell.”
“I know it’s you my darling, and it’s true. You said when I got married that I’d think of you.”
“I’m so very sorry it had to end. Does my poetry live on, honey? I meant what I said. Do you medicate those holes I left? Do you find it funny, that we built ourselves an empire with intention to leave?”
I’m alone
with my pain
am I going insane?
I feel alone with my past
these ghosts are so fast, to remind me
of my sins
they say, “come in, tell me a story.”
I can’t lie
you’re still on my mind —
but with none of the glory
I look up to the sky to ask him, “why?”
I feel his response
I feel him reply
“Go on, get going where you need to be.
Life’s not that hard if you don’t want it to be.”
