full moon conversation

“It was never that I wasn’t magnificent

 

It was that I didn’t know what being magnificent, entailed

 

I didn’t realize that what it truly meant was:

how I forgive often

Love quickly

Laugh too much

and always think the best of people;

How my messy personality has never fit into a perfect box

 

Because my definition of magnificent before was lame and shallow, I settled for a treatment that was incomparable to the love I reflected out, thus making me feel inadequate for simply being me. This treatment tends to make me feel less magnificent, and more like, well, just a girl.”

“I’m happy you’ve discovered you are indeed made of light.”

 

Advertisements

back on track

God wants me to focus on him and to stop trying so hard to meet boys, like boys, and make boys mine.

No one will ever be “mine”

They are their own person, running furiously alongside me in this race, and if they have to push me down to get ahead, they will.

No one will ever love me like you love me, God.

You are aware at how much I am craving something real, and you have told me time and time again that as long as I fix my eyes on YOU, things will work out. As long as I trust YOU, I won’t have to worry.

But I have drifted from you due to my inability to grasp just how important this dedication is. I am loose with my guy contacts. I am giving away too many freebies, too many concessions, and then I sit there and wonder when I will find love. The answer has always been the same: love will find you.

It’s the greatest lesson I will ever have to learn:

putting in the no-nonsense effort to get what I want works in the professional world, but it does not work in love.

Love is delicate, and untouchable thing. Something that follows you as the wind. Something that holds you up, when you least expect it. It is unpredictable, it is something that only God can give.

At least, this is what I imagine it will be like.

So why, have I been aching so badly, desperately trying to “just have a few men there, waiting for me, with the hope that they will respect me all the while knowing deep down that there is no way that by giving them what they want, that they will?”

I have come too far in this life, having to pick myself up off the ground and having God reach down for my hand far too many times, to throw all of it away on the self deprecating action of meeting boys online.

There is a short gratification that comes with matching with someone cute. But the more I do this, the more shallow I become. The less I see people. The more I walk around this earth, looking at men as if they were just there to serve me.

This is not in any way what God intended for us. He wanted harmony between male and female: he wanted everyone to be on the same team, instead of this constant battle and game that requires you to be heartless or else, well, you can sink or swim.

If I’m not mistaken, I think God wanted us to have community with males, as they are, looks aside. He wanted us to have community, to find people whom our souls might connect with on a level that only he can orchestrate. This online dating phenomenon is unnatural, and the more dates I go on and the more boys I kiss without love backed up behind it, the less I understand God’s plan for my life. It is not what is convenient, but it is what is true.

Spotify Premium junky

for those of you looking for new music: I have good news!

thanks to being a reserve flight attendant and having too much time on my hands, I’ve created a few playlists for myself. I call them “everything” playlists. They’re for driving, working out, drinking beer on the porch, and everything in between. I don’t like to tell myself I have a specific taste in music, but generally I tend to love folky alternative beats.

I will post the link to my playlists below, but to list a few noteworthy jams I’ve been loving:

  1. Park Bench by Valley
  2. My Love by Until the Ribbon Breaks
  3. So Far So Fast by The National
  4. Closer by MADE IN LA
  5. Blood Red Sentimental Blues by Cotton Jones

 

 

really hope you find some you like in there 🙂

always escaping

my happy place

the deep, dark, rain

melancholy vibes

the point to which even the sky can’t fake it’s smile

the rawness

the authenticity

the breaths you take slowly

as the sky crackles and screams from above;

the earth expressing the cries you can’t make out on your own

a soft melody playing on the radio

you’re drifting away

from the reality you’ve tried to fit into for so long

you changed too much

turned into a made up version of yourself

the little girl inside of you was done pretending

so she pulled out her sleek ponytail,

and escaped

running

as fast as she could

toward freedom

 

a runaway; you.

 

you’ve never been able to sit still

nothing and nobody will every understand the uncharted corners of your soul

and how you’ve accepted

that you’re no-one special

just, different

tragically, undeniably, different

so different, in fact,

that the only time you truly feel understood

is when you are driving like this: alone, in the rain, escaping the life you’ve pretended to live

and when you get there

that is, to wherever you run out of gas

you’ll smile in the bittersweet taste of being alone

jump in the cold creek

and wash away all impurities you’ve carried

change your name

and start again

in the mountains

creating a simple life

one that does not require any escaping

once and for all

IMG_6328.jpeg

the love we give

You will feel things you’ve never felt before for people who don’t feel the same way, and it will break your heart. But life has a way of revealing to you with time the greatest plot twist of them all: one day you’ll come to realize that this explosive love you have to give everyone else is equally as validated to give to yourself. It will set you free from the chains of acceptance, and, in its own way, be enough.

dialogue

“I miss the way you made me feel so safe, and how your light blue eyes would light up your whole face.”

“You don’t recognize me, do you now. My face has changed, pain can really can a spell.”

“I know it’s you my darling, and it’s true. You said when I got married that I’d think of you.”

“I’m so very sorry it had to end. Does my poetry live on, honey? I meant what I said. Do you medicate those holes I left? Do you find it funny, that we built ourselves an empire with intention to leave?”

39A74815-44FA-410F-90C4-0F1D5161406D.JPG

go on, get going

I’m alone

with my pain

am I going insane?

I feel alone with my past

these ghosts are so fast, to remind me

of my sins

they say, “come in, tell me a story.”

I can’t lie

you’re still on my mind —

but with none of the glory

I look up to the sky to ask him, “why?”

I feel his response

I feel him reply

“Go on, get going where you need to be.

Life’s not that hard if you don’t want it to be.”

Processed with VSCO with m5 preset